They say “We accept the type of love we believe we deserve”.
Every day we have life choices that make us love, make us happy, or have the ability to poison us and make us suffer.
When I am thinking about this, I am trying to figure out what I have chosen for my own life. What did I believe I deserve? How I got there? Did I respect myself enough to choose the best for me?
I am passing through my gorgeous childhood and then stepping into the early teenage stage when my hormones were blowing my mind.
Facing the reality that my mother – the person I have loved the most – was dying.
The feeling of helplessness, worthlessness.. I remember how my heart was tearing out of pain and I was hardly breathing, choking in tears. I remember how angry I felt and I was unable to give my love away, because it seemed like it went away with the death of my mother. I felt hollow.
There was something after that, which motivated me not to give up, but continue to participate in the lifetime battle. I love my family, but neither were they the reason I decided to move on.
It was just a strange feeling that made me believe that one cannot simply «run out of love». Because love is magic – the more you give, the more you receive.
Now, looking back, I think I have just believed that I have to show my true nature – my nature of helping people and giving them a lot of love. Because I felt like I could blame myself, or even worse – to feel sorry about me, and to live a pathetic life, choosing people not by the love they give me but by the «ideas» of love that are not even real and I would have it in my head like a real fiction.
There was this moment when the lights were off and it was so quiet, one could’ve heard only the rhythm of its heart, slowly breathing. In that moment I had two choices – to let the pain and the bitterness raise in my heart and fulfill my life or ‘no matter how bitter it is, to find a spoon with which to stir the sugar on the bottom!’ And I did it. And I am drinking it all – sugary and sweet and satisfying my thirst.
I was in India. It had been almost 2 months since I have started thevoluntary work, and my life seemed to be as perfect as I have always wanted it.
No matter how hard it felt in the beginning, now I was feeling stronger than ever. More conscious and happier with each day, helping my students and living a simple, but amazing life.
I had no luxury in my little hostel room, only cold water and a sink in the middle of the room. I had none of my fancy European clothes orhigh heels. But every day, I was waking up full of emotions, starving for life. The best feeling!
Educating my students not only with knowledge, but even by showing them these simple everyday tips like how to wash properly their hands or how to solve their problems better with words instead of with fight.
But I have also learnt from my students.
You are going to ask me, what did they manage to teach me? And I will answer you – a lot! I have learnt from my students incredibly much. I will give you an example.
One day I decided to home visit some of my students, because they were not coming regularly at school and they didn’t put enough effort into the studying process. I felt like talking to their families, because I wanted to see if there were some problems, which needed to be resolved. So, when I went down to the village I was quite shocked from my first visit. The parents were very kind, but what took me by surprise and made me feel a little strange was the fact, that they were growing cows inside the house! The animals were on the first floor, and the family was living in the attic in, according to me, terrible conditions. And in the mean time, what truly fascinated me, was the cohesion between all of the members. The kids were listening quietly to the parents, who were apologizing for their absence and explaining the situation to me. They didn’t know that the kids’ teacher was a young woman and they were not sure whether they are in good hands. The mothers were very happy to see me, and promised me they would send the kids every day to school. The little girls gracefully agreed with their mothers and hugged me for goodbye. This for me is a very important and beautiful part of the relationship in a family – to support and respect each other, especially the older ones.
That same night, before going to bed, I was watching out of my hotel window, having a cup of tea and thinking how blessed I was to have these kids as my students, how blessed I am to be me… I called my father just to say ‘Hello, I am grateful for your support, and I love you!’
The truth is that we really need to look at ourselves and honestly think about what wonderful creatures we are. Eachand every one of us. And no matter what we go through in life, we will stay like this – flawless in our imperfection. We need to respect ourselves, and if we search for someone to love us, we need to make sure that he is able to love himself first. Because, trust me, a person who does not appreciate himself, could never truly and sincerely love and respect you. That day, I got my best portion of life again. And I have appreciated myself the most. Because when I was in India, working with my students, I had it all – small, nameless moments that I have spent smiling with someone who mattered to me. This is true happiness.