I was afraid of being seen naked. I am not afraid anymore.

   Do you want to make some change?

 

a. Yes                       b. NO                 c. MAYBE               d. LATER

 

Choose one?

a. Cancer cure  b. Forever Young     c. World peace     d. Be the richest

 

 

How do you see yourself in 10 years?

 

a. Read 1000 books   b. Travelled the world   c. Very rich  d. Built an empire

 

We need just two!

Green is for peace, pink is for love.

Peace of mind and endless love!

 

 

My personal diary 13.08.2013

 

“Africa is the worst experience I have ever had in my life. For the whole 8 years dealing with people in the voluntary field I’ve never seen so much problems that people hide and are afraid to confess they have, so much corruption, searching only for self-interest and not the one of the society. Never saw people who are just blaming the others for the problems, transferring the responsibility and never ask them if they do better, if their work is beneficial. Never saw children (adults) almost my age who cannot properly write simple words who cannot read who even don’t know how to spell their own names. Children who are in orphanages but they are neglected. This is Kenya! People are not working to resolve problems, but accepting all the issues and problems around. As I told you, I couldn’t imagine it is going to be so hard for a young volunteer to help, because people don’t want help, they want money, because they believe – money solves problems, but I can tell money cannot help you, the only thing that could help is not a thing, but a person and it is you. “

 My room in Bungoma, Kenya

The gums in my mouth were literally bleeding every day.

I was quite cohabiting with mosquitos at my home. Do you remember me? Paris Nikolova, Bulgarian and enthusiast to change everything for a better world.

What would you do if you faint while volunteering?

 

a. Eat a bigger burger next time

b. Try hard not to faint anymore

c. Cry and leave

d. Stand up and pretend nothing happened

“So I was in the hospital with the kids for their regular every once-in-a while healthy check and I just felt a hot wave in my body and strangely it was the most pleasant feeling I’ve had those days. Next thing I remember is that I woke up on the floor with all the staff starring on me.”

And “d.” my answer is strongly “d.”.

“I just stand up; no matter I was honestly feeling incredibly weak and tried to pretend nothing had happened.”

Weakness. Just never was and is my word. Compassion. Empathy. Felt better.

As you know I was working with HIV positive kids, so the first thing I checked in the other department of the same hospital was if I were seropositive ( bare in mind that there’s always a “window period” ). I WAS NOT! But I was exhausted. In Bungoma I had much more that I could handle. I believe there is no man who likes not to eat or drink, but only a few know the real taste of the food. I knew then, the taste of helping and trying for a better place for the others had its price – feeling weak, hopeless, feeling I was failing hard. I was scared…

When you are 21 there is no reasonable answer (or occasion) not to do something (or many, depends on the point of view), but surely there were very much “DO IT, Paris, DO IT NOW, OR GO HOME!”

So, lets repeat – In Kenya it was just not working out. I was totally out from my comfort zone, far away from my family, my friends, social circle. I was waking up and my gums were bleeding terribly much, I was feeling incredibly weak physically and also mentally. Nobody seemed to be on my side or even a bit supportive about my “world-changing-wanna-be” charge.

But eventually Kenya just helped me to find out something fundamental…hope lasts forever.

Nowadays, with all the issues in our modern world, in our own society, I write. I write for those people who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they are living mute, terrified, they don’t know they are having a choice. I am writing for those that are not mute but blind and don’t know the world and people that surround them, they don’t know it could be better, they could make it better. We’ve been taught that silence would save us, the silence would heal us, but it won’t.

And the last thing I am writing for is for us not to be afraid. As long as there’s life, there is hope.

There is going to be always bloody gums and eventually someone fainting around (hope not me this time) but our “weapon” against our own inconveniences is not revenge, it should be grace. Should be peace. Peace inside out. Breathe in peace, breathe out love. Everything is in your mind. Your home is inside of you; our home is our inner peace. And once we can reach it, no one can take  it away from us. No matter what you do, or where you do it, inside your inner home you are safe and you know the right decision. Home is inside and the path of going there is trough love. Don’t blame on anger, it’s pointless. Do not worry, because it will never help or change anything. Just believe that the strongest power is growing inside of you and no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Sour, sweet, bitter, pungent all must be tasted. Not be afraid, because your weakness is your power. Be naked. And the feeling that will awake your spirit after all will be always freedom. Be free, grow love, be peace. Be home, no matter where you are.

 

I am ready to talk; I am ready to be back to Africa!

Be peace,

Paris